It a big granny square afghan...making one huge granny square.....still have a ways to go, but this is one of my hobbies that I quiet enjoy when I have the the time.

It's depression, why can't they understand that? Today is a sunshine day for me, but I still want to share this.

I suffer from depression and most of my family just don't get it. They think I don't go anywhere because I just choose not to. When in fact most days, I don't care to. I have lost interest in a lot of things and it truely sucks (for lack of a better word).

Most days are good, but a lot of days I plaster a fake smile on my face and just get by.

Some of my family say, "You are stronger than that." Truth is I AM NOT STRONGER THAN THAT, and I wish they would realize this.

My depression is long and drawn out over many years.

Although, I have two beautiful daughters that I love more than life itself. My depression started during my pregnancy. You see the year before I became pregnant with my girls (twins). I had a son that only lived 1 day. That was the most horrible experience in my life.

It was 12 years ago, but the hurt is and always has been right under the surface. There are a lot of hurtful things that went on while I was pregnant with him. Things that I have not gotten over and not sure that I will. The most hurtful thing was when I was pregnant my dad and stepmother kept telling me I should get an abortion (because they thought he was going to be a bi-racial child, he was not). Then when he died, all I could think was, well you got your wish. I have never been able to get past this. I have never said anything to either of them about how I felt and still feel as I don't want to cause and argument. So bottled up it stays.

Anyway, it is from that my depression started, then when my girls were born, I had some post pardom depression, but not too bad.

Then when they were very young, their father left us, me with very little income, but I kept us housed and fed, thank God.

And the depression just got worse from there. I suffer sleepless nights, where I just lay and think about things over and over in my head.

Don't get me wrong I have my good days and now a days they are more than they use to be. All I have to do is here my kids laughter and that makes me very happy.

I just wish there was someway I could make my family understand. Get them to understand that I am not using it as an excuse, that it is really a problem.

Only time will tell I guess.. We will see.

Wow, this may be my longest blog ever...lol...but it helps me to get this out of my system.

I am a stay at home mom of 2 girls (they are my life). I am married to a wonderful man, although he can test me at times I love him very much.

I am disabled due to my back and depression.

I have weight issues as well, but am working to overcome that. I have been overweight all my life and never had anyone around to teach me any different so here I am at 37 trying to change my lifestyle and habits, it's very hard, but I am doing for me and mostly for my children...I don't want them to remember me this way when they are grown.

This blog will probably be mostly about my struggles with the weight issue although I am sure, because I know me, lol, there will be the occasional rant or two maybe even three...lol

I love my family and I want to get healthy and be a more productive person as I do not like the person I have become.

So, if you read this and you have any advice, I would be glad to hear it.

I will be starting my new diet plan as of Monday so I am sure I will be posting about that a lot as well.

Hopefully with weightloss will come a better back and less depression, we will see.

Okay, I guess I have said enough for now. TTFN

Yes, I have deleted all the old stuff and starting my blog again..trying to take a different view of things this time. From time to time there may be a rant or two in here but I need a place to come to where I can express things that are going on in my life and won't be judged for it.

I am hoping that I will connect with others that may be experiencing the same things I am.

So this is where it stands as of now..and I am sure I will be posting a lot in the upcoming days...right now I am just getting the look the way I want it.

I have a lot to say and seeing as the folks around me don't always like it, I will post it here